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American Shakespeare Center, Return to the Forbidden Planet. To Dec. 1, 2013.
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Henry the Fourth, Part Two (Folio 1 1623)

Author: William Shakespeare
Not Peer Reviewed
84
The Second Part of King Henry the Fourth.
1240art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth fiue of Agamem-
non, and tenne times better then the nine Worthies: ah
Villaine.
Fal. A rascally Slaue, I will tosse the Rogue in a Blan-
ket.
1245Dol. Doe, if thou dar'st for thy heart: if thou doo'st,
Ile canuas thee betweene a paire of Sheetes.

Enter Musique.

Page. The Musique is come, Sir.
Fal. Let them play: play Sirs. Sit on my Knee, Dol.
1250A Rascall, bragging Slaue: the Rogue fled from me like
Quick-siluer.
Dol. And thou followd'st him like a Church: thou
whorson little tydie Bartholmew Bore-pigge, when wilt
thou leaue fighting on dayes, and foyning on nights, and
1255begin to patch vp thine old Body for Heauen?

Enter the Prince and Poines disguis'd.

Fal. Peace (good Dol) doe not speake like a Deaths-
head: doe not bid me remember mine end.
Dol. Sirrha, what humor is the Prince of?
1260Fal. A good shallow young fellow: hee would haue
made a good Pantler, hee would haue chipp'd Bread
well.
Dol. They say Poines hath a good Wit.
Fal. Hee a good Wit? hang him Baboone, his Wit is
1265as thicke as Tewksburie Mustard: there is no more con-
ceit in him, then is in a Mallet.
Dol. Why doth the Prince loue him so then?
Fal. Because their Legges are both of a bignesse: and
hee playes at Quoits well, and eates Conger and Fennell,
1270and drinkes off Candles ends for Flap-dragons, and rides
the wilde-Mare with the Boyes, and iumpes vpon Ioyn'd-
stooles, and sweares with a good grace, and weares his
Boot very smooth, like vnto the Signe of the Legge; and
breedes no bate with telling of discreete stories: and such
1275other Gamboll Faculties hee hath, that shew a weake
Minde, and an able Body, for the which the Prince admits
him; for the Prince himselfe is such another: the
weight of an hayre will turne the Scales betweene their
Haber-de-pois.
1280Prince. Would not this Naue of a Wheele haue his
Eares cut off?
Poin. Let vs beat him before his Whore.
Prince. Looke, if the wither'd Elder hath not his Poll
claw'd like a Parrot.
1285Poin. Is it not strange, that Desire should so many
yeeres out-liue performance?
Fal. Kisse me Dol.
Prince. Saturne and Venus this yeere in Coniunction?
What sayes the Almanack to that?
1290Poin. And looke whether the fierie Trigon, his Man,
be not lisping to his Masters old Tables, his Note-Booke,
his Councell-keeper?
Fal. Thou do'st giue me flatt'ring Busses.
Dol. Nay truely, I kisse thee with a most constant
1295heart.
Fal. I am olde, I am olde.
Dol. I loue thee better, then I loue ere a scuruie young
Boy of them all.
Fal. What Stuffe wilt thou haue a Kirtle of? I shall
1300receiue Money on Thursday: thou shalt haue a Cappe
to morrow. A merrie Song, come: it growes late,
wee will to Bed. Thou wilt forget me, when I am
gone.
Dol. Thou wilt set me a weeping, if thou say'st so:
1305proue that euer I dresse my selfe handsome, till thy re-
turne: well, hearken the end.
Fal. Some Sack, Francis.
Prin. Poin. Anon, anon, Sir.
Fal. Ha? a Bastard Sonne of the Kings? And art not
1310thou Poines, his Brother?
Prince. Why thou Globe of sinfull Continents, what
a Life do'st thou lead?
Fal. A better then thou: I am a Gentleman, thou art
a Drawer.
1315Prince. Very true, Sir: and I come to draw you out
by the Eares.
Host. Oh, the Lord preserue thy good Grace: Wel-
come to London. Now Heauen blesse that sweete Face
of thine: what, are you come from Wales?
1320Fal. Thou whorson mad Compound of Maiestie: by
this light Flesh, and corrupt Blood, thou art welcome.
Dol. How? you fat Foole, I scorne you.
Poin. My Lord, hee will driue you out of your re-
uenge, and turne all to a merryment, if you take not the
1325heat.
Prince. You whorson Candle-myne you, how vildly
did you speake of me euen now, before this honest, ver-
tuous, ciuill Gentlewoman?
Host. 'Blessing on your good heart, and so shee is by
1330my troth.
Fal. Didst thou heare me?
Prince. Yes: and you knew me, as you did when you
ranne away by Gads-hill: you knew I was at your back,
and spoke it on purpose, to trie my patience.
1335Fal. No, no, no: not so: I did not thinke, thou wast
within hearing.
Prince. I shall driue you then to confesse the wilfull
abuse, and then I know how to handle you.
Fal. No abuse (Hall) on mine Honor, no abuse.
1340Prince. Not to disprayse me? and call me Pantler, and
Bread-chopper, and I know not what?
Fal. No abuse (Hal.)
Poin. No abuse?
Fal. No abuse (Ned) in the World: honest Ned none.
1345I disprays'd him before the Wicked, that the Wicked
might not fall in loue with him: In which doing, I haue
done the part of a carefull Friend, and a true Subiect, and
thy Father is to giue me thankes for it. No abuse (Hal:)
none (Ned) none; no Boyes, none.
1350Prince. See now whether pure Feare, and entire Cow-
ardise, doth not make thee wrong this vertuous Gentle-
woman, to close with vs? Is shee of the Wicked? Is thine
Hostesse heere, of the Wicked? Or is the Boy of the
Wicked? Or honest Bardolph (whose Zeale burnes in his
1355Nose) of the Wicked?
Poin. Answere thou dead Elme, answere.
Fal. The Fiend hath prickt downe Bardolph irrecoue-
rable, and his Face is Lucifers Priuy-Kitchin, where hee
doth nothing but rost Mault-Wormes: for the Boy,
1360there is a good Angell about him, but the Deuill out-
bids him too.
Prince. For the Women?
Fal. For one of them, shee is in Hell alreadie, and
burnes poore Soules: for the other, I owe her Mo-
1365ney; and whether shee bee damn'd for that, I know
not.
Host. No, I warrant you.
Fal. No,