Internet Shakespeare Editions

Author: William Shakespeare
Editor: Rosemary Gaby
Not Peer Reviewed

Henry IV, Part 1 (Quarto 1, 1598)

Enter Falstalffe and Bardol.
Fal. Bardoll, am I not falne away vilely since this last action?
2005do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why, my skinne hangs about
me like an old Ladies loose gowne. I am withered like an oulde
apple Iohn. Well, ile repent and that suddainly, while I am in
some liking, I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I shall haue
no strength to repent. And I haue not forgotten what the inside
of a Church is made of, I am a Pepper corne, a brewers Horse,
the inside of a Church. Company, villainous company, hath been
the spoile of me.
Bar. Sir Iohn, you are so fretfull you cannot liue long.
Fal. Why, there is it; come sing me a bawdie song, make me
merry. I was as vertuously giuen as a gentleman need to be, ver-
tuous enough, swore little, dic't not aboue seuen times a weeke,
went to a baudy house not aboue once in a quarter of an houre,
2020paid money that I borrowed three or foure times, liued wel, and
in good compasse, and nowe I liue out of all order, out of all
Bar. Why, you are so fat, sir Iohn, that you must needes be out
2025of all compasse: out of all reasonable compasse, sir Iohn.
Fal. Do thou amend thy face, and ile amend my life: thou art
our Admiral, thou bearest the lanterne in the poope, but tis in the
nose of thee: thou art the knight of the burning lampe.
Bar. Why, sir Iohn, my face does you no harme.
Fal. No ile be sworn, I make as good vse of it as many a man
doth of a deaths head, or a memento mori. I neuer see thy face,
but I thinke vpon hell fire, and Diues that liued in Purple: for
2035there he is in his robes burning, burning. If thou wert any waie
giuen to vertue, I would sweare by thy face: my oath should be
by this fire that Gods Angell. But thou art altogether giuen o-
uer: and wert indeede but for the light in thy face, the sonne of
vtter darkenesse. When thou ranst vp Gadshill in the night to
catch my horse, if I did not thinke thou hadst beene an ignis fa-
or a ball of wildfire, theres no purchase in money. O thou
art a perpetuall triumph, an euerlasting bonefire light, thou hast
saued me a thousand Markes in Linkes, and Torches, walking
2045with thee in the night betwixt tauerne and tauerne: but the sacke
that thou hast drunke me, would haue bought me lights as good
cheape, at the dearest Chandlers in Europe. I haue maintained
that Sallamander of yours with fire any time this two and thirty
2050yeares, God reward me for it.
Bar. Zbloud, I would my face were in your belly.
Fal. Godamercy, so should I be sure to be hartburnt.
How now dame Partlet the hen, haue you enquird
Enter host.
2055yet who pickt my pocket?
Hostesse. Why sir Iohn, what do you thinke sir Iohn, doe you
thinke I keepe theeues in my house, I haue searcht, I haue en-
quired, so has my husband, man by man, boy by boy, seruant by
seruant, the tight of a haire, was neuer lost in my house before.
Fal. Yee lie Hostesse, Bardoll was shau'd, and lost manie a
haire, and ile be sworne my pocket was pickt: go to, you are a
woman, go.
Ho. Who I. No, I defie thee: Gods light I was neuer cald so in
2065mine owne house before.
Fal. Go to. I know you well inough.
Ho. No, sir Iohn, you do not know me, sir Iohn, I knowe you
sir Iohn, you owe me mony sir Iohn, and now you picke a quar-
rell to beguile me of it, I bought you a douzen of shirts to your
Falst. Doulas, filthie Doulas. I haue giuen them away to Ba-
kers wiues, they haue made boulters of them.
Host. Now as I am a true woman, holland of viii s. an ell, you
2075owe mony here, besides sir Iohn, for your diet, and bydrinkings,
and money lent you xxiiii. pound.
Falst. He had his part of it, let him pay.
Host. He, alas he is poore, he hath nothing.
Fal. How? poore? looke vpon his face. What call you rich? let
them coyne his nose, let them coyne his cheekes, ile not pay a
denyer: what will you make a yonker of mee? shall I not take
mine ease in mine Inne, but I shall haue my pocket pickt? I haue
2085lost a seale ring of my grandfathers worth fortie marke.
Ho. O Iesu, I haue heard the Prince tell him I know not how
oft, that that ring was copper.
Falst. How? the prince is a iacke, a sneakeup, Zbloud and hee
2090were here, I would cudgell him like a dog if he would say so.
Enter the prince marching, and Falstalffe meetes him
playing vpon his trunchion like a fife.
2095Falst. How now lad, is the winde in that doore ifaith, must we
all march?
Bar. Yea, two, and two, Newgate fashion.
Host. My Lord, I pray you heare me.
Pr. What saist thou mistris quickly, how doth thy husband?
2100I loue him well, he is an honest man.
Host. Good my Lord heare me?
Falst. Preethe let her alone, and list to me.
Prin. What saist thou iacke.
2105Falst. The other night I fel a sleepe here, behind the Arras, and
had my pocket pickt, this house is turn'd baudy house, they pick
Prin. What didst thou loose iacke?
Fal. Wilt thou beleeue me Hall, three or foure bonds of forty
2110pound a peece, and a seale ring of my grandfathers.
Prin. A trifle, some eight penie matter.
Host. So I told him my Lord, and I said I heard your grace say
so: & my lord he speakes most vilely of you, like a foule mouthd
2115man as he is, and said he would cudgel you.
Prin. What he did not?
Ho. Theres neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.
2120Fal. Theres no more faith in thee then in a stued prune, nor
no more truth in thee then in a drawn fox, and for womandood
maid marion may be the deputies wife of the ward to thee. Go
you thing, go.
Host. Say what thing, what thing?
2125Fal. What thing? why a thing to thanke God on.
Ho. I am nothing to thanke God on, I would thou shouldst
know it, I am an honest mans wife, and setting thy knighthood
aside, thou art a knaue to call me so.
Fal. Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say o-
Host. Say, what beast, thou knaue thou?
Falst. What beast? why an Otter.
Prin. An Otter sir Iohn, why an Otter?
Falst. Why? shees neither fish nor flesh, a man knowes not
2135where to haue her.
Host. Thou art an vniust man in saying so, thou or anie man
knowes where to haue me, thou knaue thou.
Prin. Thou saist true hostesse, and hee slaunders thee most
2140Host. So hee doth you my Lord, and saide this other day you
ought him a thousand pound.
Prin. Sirrha, do I owe you a thousand pound?
Falst. A thousand pound Hall? a million, thy loue is worth a
million, thou owest me thy loue.
2145Host. Nay my Lord, he cald you iacke, and saide hee woulde
cudgel you.
Falst. Did I Bardol?
Bar. Indeed sir Iohn you said so.
Fal. Yea, if he said my ring was copper.
2150Prin. I say tis copper, darest thou be as good as thy word now?
Falst. Why Hall? Thou knowest as thou art but man I dare,
but as thou art prince, I feare thee as I feare the roaring of the
Lyons whelpe.
2155Prin. And why not as the Lyon?
Fal. The king himselfe is to be feared as the Lion, doest thou
thinke ile feare thee as I feare thy father? nay and I doo, I pray
God my girdle breake.
Prin. O, if it should, howe woulde thy guts fall about thy
2160knees? but sirrha, theres no roome for faith, trueth, nor hone-
stie, in this bosome of thine. It is all fild vp with guttes, and mid-
riffe. Charge an honest woman with picking thy pocket, why
thou horeson impudent imbost rascall, if there were anie thing
in thy pocket but tauerne reckonings, memorandums of baudie
2165houses, and one poore peniworth of sugar-candie to make thee
long winded, if thy pocket were inricht with any other iniuries
but these; I am a villain, and yet you will stand to it, you will not
pocket vp wrong, art thou not ashamed?
Fal. Doest thou heare Hall, thou knowest in the state of inno-
cencie Adam fell, & what should poore iacke Falstalfe do in the
daies of villanie? thou seest I haue more flesh then another man,
& therfore more frailty. You confesse then you pickt my pocket.
Prin. It appeares so by the storie.
Fal. Hostesse, I forgiue thee, go make ready breakfast, loue thy
husband, looke to thy seruaunts, cherish thy ghesse, thou shalt
2180find me tractable to any honest reason, thou seest I am pacified
still, nay preethe be gone.
Exit Hostesse
Now Hal, to the newes at court for the robbery lad, how is that
Prin. O my sweet beoffe, I must still bee good angel to thee,
the mony is paid backe againe.
Fal. O I do not like that paying backe, tis a double labor.
Prin. I am good friends with my father and may do any thing
Fal. Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and doe
it with vnwasht hands too.
2195Bar. Do my Lord.
Prin. I haue procured thee Iacke a charge of foot.
Fal. I would it had been of horse. Where shall I finde one that
can steale well. O for a fine thiefe of the age of xxii. or therea-
bouts: I am hainously vnprouided. Well, God be thanked for
2200these rebels, they offende none but the vertuous; I laude them, I
praise them.
Prin. Bardoll.
Bar. My Lord.
Prin. Go beare this letter to Lord Iohn of Lancaster,
2205To my brother Iohn, this to my lord of Westmerland.
Go Peto to horse, to horse, for thou and I
Haue thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time,
Iacke, meete me to morrow in the temple haule
At two of clocke in the afternoone,
2210There shalt thou know thy charge, and there receiue
Money and order for their furniture,
The land is burning, Percy stands on high,
And either we or they must lower lie.
Fal. Rare words, braue world hostesse, my breakfast come,
Oh I could wish this tauerne were my drum.